My whole life, I always felt alone because I never found anyone who was just like me. No best friend who always knew exactly what I was thinking; I always wanted a twin or some other new friend who would have all the same interests as me and love everything I loved. I always felt as if I didn’t really belong, and at one point in my goofy adolescence even thought, well, maybe I’m an alien! So I went on the trusty ole’ internet, and found a quiz, and sure enough, it confirmed it! The symptoms I’d been feeling, did, indeed, mean I was an alien! But after years of waiting to be beemed back to my home planet, wherever that was, I gave up on this theory, and gave in to the idea that maybe I was just a mere human after all.
Even when I got married, I mistook finding my identity in my new marriage and husband for knowing my true identity in Christ. It was as if my husband, whom I loved, validated everything about me- I was obviously worthy of being someone’s wife, so I’m worthy in general, I thought! This worked for a while, but then, any little tiff threatened to destroy my beautiful image, a fragile creation that was never bound to last in the first place.
Now, I have a different view of where I can find my home, and I’m sure glad I’ve gotten over the mistake of making my husband into that, because what a load of pressure it must have been on the poor guy, even if he didn’t realize what I was so mentally screwed up about. He’s not where my strength, validation, and sense of love for myself should have come from. Sure, I get them all from him, but the main source that make me live and thrive in life should be from above, not anything earthly.
Now I see that all this yearning was put in me by God, but I was mistaking it for the need of an earthly friend. You see, the friend I needed all along was Him!
Now my soul yearns to be at its home, one with God- He understands everything about me. He made me like this, in His image, and there is nothing in me He’s not familiar with. I just found a quote by St. Augustine that nails it on the head, “Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in God.” How true in my life! My heart was wandering, wandering, all my life, trying to find somewhere, with someone to fit in with. I had plenty of friends and a large immediate family, but nowhere on earth could I ever feel as if I was at home- the home I was craving- at one with my Creator, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’m comfortable enough here under normal circumstances, but I know it will just be ecstatic joy once I’m in my Heavenly home.
But just to be clear, I don’t want to go there now, because I have a family I love raising. I know they’d be fine without me, but I still want to enjoy every moment I have on earth with them, which is the awesome gift God has given me for now!